I’m going through some personal issues at the moment. Someone I thought I could trust betrayed me. For years I’ve been trying my best to come to grips with this and to move on…for my sake and for the sake of those I love. Now the person who betrayed me years ago is bringing up the past and holding her actions over my head. She claims that I’m a failure because of what she did. I had worked so hard to put this behind me and pretend that there was still love and caring in this relationship. I want to lash out, to make her hurt the way I do, but what will that accomplish? I’ve come to the conclusion that this is a lonely and miserable old woman who can’t stand the thought of others being happy. She chose to give me an ultimatum that would uproot my life and destroy my career. When I wanted to know why, she refused to answer. I found out through other means and was ready to compromise. She refused the offer and accused me of horrible things that she had actually done.
One of the reasons I left home was to get away from drama like this. I always thought that your family was supposed to love, help and support you…at least in spirit. At 19 I enrolled in Community College. I was gun-ho about bettering myself. Unfortunately I had a baby to care for and a family who refused to help. The horrible scores I got at 19 prevented me from graduating Cumme Laude. When I had pneumonia, I begged my family for help and was told, “These are the kinds of things you have to learn to deal with on your own.” I sat on the floor and cried for nearly an hour after hearing those words. That’s why when my family offered to help me later on, I saw it as a gift. I should have known better.
Everything that my family has done has been a curse…either outright or in disguise. Why do I keep going back? Why do I continue to drink from the same dirty watering hole and expecting clean water the next time? Why would my family treat me with respect when time after time they’ve shown me nothing but pain and sorrow? I keep wanting something different. I keep wanting love and respect, so I go back hoping that this time things will be different. I should know better…
Let me Clarify. This is not my entire family. This is one member of my family that continues to hurt me and others over and over again. She then sweet talks and apologizes and makes everything “right.” She uses manipulation and wordplay to get what she wants, and when that doesn’t work she turns to outright meanness. She has been manipulating me for years because she controls things that are very dear to me. For me to access to these, I have to play to her whims. That will be changing soon. She will no longer have that control and she is now using the last bit she has to try to hurt me. The sad part is, in the process of hurting me, she is hurting a lot of other people, too. I have no idea what I’ve done to upset her to the point that she is ready to hurt so many people just to exact revenge on me. I’ve spent years jumping through her hoops and doing things her way so I could have access to the thing I love. Now that she is not going to have control over them anymore, she is trying to hurt me with them while she has the chance.
I’m hurt. I’m angry. I want to hurt back. What right does this woman have to force me to jump through hoops for years, then decide I didn’t do it right so she’s going to use someone else to hurt me again? I want to lash out and hurt her, but what will that do for me? When I posted a conversation we’d had on facebook (keeping in mind that my profile is private, not public) showing how she was trying to hurt me; she reported it as abusive had me banned from facebook for 12 hours. I read through the rules and protocols for facebook (again, I always do this before signing up for anything) to find that I was not in violation of anything. I wish I knew what to do. Revenge is stupid, futile and juvenile, but it feels instinctual. For me, I feel that the best revenge will be to have nothing more to do with her. Once her control over the things I care about is gone, I have no more reason to contact her…ever.